I've been working so hard this past week to get caught up for all the time I took off to have my little emotional breakdown about how much work I have to do.  I was overwhelmed with everything in my life, and it left me incapable of completing even the most menial task.  Now I'm paying for it.  At least I feel like I've gotten my energy back and can do this.

I can't say the emotional ups and downs have stopped.  I've become a really unpleasant person to be around.  I snap at pretty much everyone in my life.  Then I'm really sorry I did.

I've been really missing my ex-boyfriend lately.  Our relationship was doomed from the start (it was long-distance from the beginning).  I don't want to be back in that relationship, because it was kind of a nightmare, but I miss him.  It's definitely because last year at this time we were together.  I took a 10-day vacation and spent it with him in Boston.  I still feel like it was the best 10 days of my life, and I wonder if I always will.  I wish I was back there. 

I'm really feeling my poor life choice this week.  I went to my cousins wedding this weekend, and it sparked all kinds of bad feelings about the choices I have made for myself.  Weddings are a sore spot for me, yet I can't stop thinking about them. 

I was pretty critical of the whole thing, I criticized her hair, her dress, her tan, the hall, the decorating, the food, the music, the crowd, his family, his tux, the weather, her job, his job, their honeymoon, her sister, the cake, the orange juice, the $1.50 bar, the favours, etc.  The bridesmaid dresses were gorgeous though, I couldn't fault her for that.  This cousin is almost exactly 6 weeks younger than me.  We grew up together but had a falling out in high school (about the usual high school things, boys).  I'm horribly bitter about the whole thing, still, and I find myself delighted by the fact that her new husband has a job that takes him away from home for weeks at a time.  I can't stand myself when I think of her because I'm JEALOUS.  I think that is what I want.  I want to get married and start a family.  If I'd had someone to marry, I don't think I would have even applied to grad school.

This is not the first wedding to have caused me grief.  My best friend, who I've known for 6 or 7 years now, up and decided to get married.  She had been single the entire time I've known her, then she met this guy 6 months ago and they decided to get married about four months ago.  They've got a date set for some time next August.  Ever since the "announcement" I haven't been able to talk to her.  So for four months there have been two awkward coffees, a few awkward lunches, and a whole lot of awkward silence.  I see a lot of reasons why she shouldn't be jumping in so fast (he was still engaged to someone else as of January 2007, he hasn't given her a ring yet and he's had four months to figure something out, she has a kid), but I'm thinking this is just another case of JEALOUSY.  I can't stand myself when I think of her, and I can't stand her for up and getting a perfect life without doing anything (she has a ready made family now, she moved in to his house, he invests in real estate so he has some money). 

Why is it that I can never be happy for anyone?  Probably because I'm so miserable with myself all the time.  And then I get miserable because I'm miserable.  I'm blaming it all on being stressed because of grad school, but I'm always like this.  I can never be satisfied with what's happening in my life at the moment.  When I was working I was miserable because I wanted to be in school, and now that I'm in school I'm miserable.  I'm miserable being with my boyfriend, but I was more miserable before him.  I'm miserable living alone, but I was miserable when I wasn't living alone.  I keep thinking of all the things I would rather be, and I can't appreciate what I am.  And I can't decide what I want so I get myself stuck on these life paths accidentally and find myself cruising along in a direction I'm not sure I want.  So I've done it again.  I've committed to a 6 year PhD program without knowing if its what I want.  The one thing I've always known I wanted, to be a mom, is far from my grasp and it will continue to be for the next 6 years.  This is one of those times I really want to start over from age 14 and make all different choices.

I made it through Tuesday without crying!  Yay!  This really is something to celebrate.  Could I possibly be adjusting?  I'd like to be optimistic about it today.  I'm getting ahead on most of my assignments to help take the pressure off, and it's helping to improve my mood quite a bit.  Of course, I haven't had any time to work on my masters Thesis, but I'm not BEHIND, I'm just not AHEAD.

 I'm still stresses beyond any healthy level, but I'm coping.  Last night when I got home from class I had some nausea and dizziness, but it passed when I let myself lay down and relax a bit.

I get to go home this weekend!  I'm not leaving my work behind, but everything seems less important when I get to spend time with my family.

So here's where I stand today.  My mood isn't great, and I'm pretty grumpy, but optimistic.  And I guess I'm feeling confident that I can take this grad school thing and kick its butt.  It will not break me.

I cry every Tuesday after class.  It's a really long day for me, with my first class starting at 8:30 am and my last class ending at 10pm.  I have breaks in between classes, but its a really really long day.  It also seems that all the stress piles up until Tuesday, then comes pouring out in the form of tears on Tuesday night.  Last night's lecture (in my research methods class) was about stress in academia.  It had nothing to do with research methods, and it ended up causing my stress to boil over in to yet another breakdown.  Last week, we watched a video about aging in that class in which the documentary filmmakers mother dies of cancer.  There was another breakdown.  The week before we handed in our first papers and I started to realize how much work was going to be involved in just this one class.  Breakdown.

I don't even know what to do any more.  I'm not sleeping enough, I'm eating too much, I'm not exercising and I'm living on coffee.  I haven't even been a grad student for a month, but I feel like I'm self destructing.

It's one of those days.  Cloudy and rainy, I'm sure I won't see the sun today.  And it's cold too.  I felt the need to wear the comfiest clothes I could while still looking presentable.  And warmest too.  It's the kind of day I really wish I could have just stayed in bed with my boyfriend, cuddled up next to him, sucking up all his warmth.  But here I am, sitting at my desk at school.  No one else is in the office yet.  It's just me and my coffee.

I didn't get all the work done this weekend that I had wanted to.  In fact I left at least one huge task.  But it's alright, I'll get it done eventually.  I went out on Saturday night with some of my new school friends and my boyfriend.  It was a good time.  My boyfriend was so cute, I really started to remeber why I like him so much.  Since I started school I've been having a hard time remembering.  It's because I'm so stressed out that every little thing can annoy me.  And he doesn't know when to quit when he decides to push my buttons.  But on Saturday, when he was cute and sweet and funny in front of a bunch of strangers, I really thought "Hey, I love this guy".  It was a nice moment.  And the feeling has lasted until now.

On a less important note, I finally had time to watch Gossip Girl.  At first, I thought it was lame, but by the end of the show I loved it.  It followed the first book fairly closely, so I'll be interested to see what happens when it starts to branch off into original story lines.  The only huge suprise for me was Rupert, boy was that ever NOT what I pictured while I was reading the series.  I also spent quite a bit of time on Sunday recovering from my hangover while watching Sex and the City.  The episode where Carrie's seeing a guy who lives with his parents was one of the ones I watched.  Seriously, I think it might be my favorite episode.  I couldn't stop saying "They'res a billion chicken wings....THEY'RE GONNA KNOW" for the rest of the day.

On Saturday, I had moments where I was pretty sure I would be crushed under the weight of school, but today I'm feeling OK about it.  I find taking it day by day is helping me get through it.

So we've started another week in this crazy journey, and I think I've just about got the time management thing figured out.  Right now I'm slightly ahead of the game, which is a good place to be, finishing assignments a good day before they're due to give myself a cushion.  It's not much of a cushion, but it is comforting.

I did quite a bit of work this weekend, and the "to do before Sept. 16" list that I made is pretty much finished.  I left some of the thesis stuff because there's no deadline for any of that right now (although I'd like to get a proposal to my supervisor within the next 8 months, his previous students haven't been able to, so he's not putting any pressure on me for that).  I got together with two of the other new grad students to work on our stats assignment this Saturday, then we went out for dinner.  I had some delicious yam fries and then dreamt about yams that night (no lie).

My boyfriend and I had a great big fight on Friday night, which was pretty unfortunate.  I was dead tired from a long week and fell asleep immediately after my head hit the pillow.  He was playing a video game so he came to bed a bit later.  When he got in to bed, he woke me up (not nicely either) and started poking at me.  He wouldn't leave me alone.  I got extremely grumpy and ended up yelling at him.  All around bad.

Then on Sunday we fought again.  His ex-girlfriend, who he was still totally in love with when we started dating, texted him asking if he wanted to go for coffee.  I told him that she probably just broke up with a boyfriend and was lonely (I was totally right, by the way), and that he should really just leave it be.  He didn't, he texted back.  She then asked that question....the, so how's things on the relationship front question.  HE HESITATED.  Why did he hesitate?  He either should have left it and not said anything or texted back and said things are great, I have a girlfriend.  Ahhh!  The whole situation was upsetting.  He did tell her he has a girlfriend, and then she backed off.  Funny how that works.

I really appreciate the comments on one of my previous entries, by the way.  It does help to know someone is reading this and sending me good thoughts as I work my way through this craziness that is grad school.

Yesterday the department held a welcome wine and cheese for all of the faculty and grad students.  All of us first years were pretty much required to attend, so that we could meet other grad students further along in the program and become more familiar with the faculty.  I spent the summer working for my supervisor, so I have had the opportunity to meet almost all of the other grad students, and most of the faculty too.  Well, at least the ones that showed up.

It was like all the popular kids got together and threw a party to expand the clique, then only invited the popular kids.  There were maybe 10 faculty members, all having offices on the same floor of the same building (none of those affiliated college profs, no way), and the grad students from two labs, and us first years.  I'm wondering if this divide always exists in the department.  I think it does.  The cheese was good.  I didn't have any wine (it was 4:30, I just wanted to go home).

In other news, I almost threw up in my psychopathology class because my name was drawn second for the three hour presentations.  That would have put my presentation on October 4th.  In three weeks.  Stress!  Fortunately, someone else's name was drawn for a week they were unavailable and I was able to trade.  Now I'm going on November 15th, which is the last day.  It's still not great, because the end of the semester is going to be crazy, but it's better than three weeks from now.

I'm getting more comfortable here, as in, with this whole grad school thing.  I do think that I can do all of it, as long as I break things down and look at one little task at a time.  I've officially made a new friend, also a first year masters student, which has been really nice.  And my boyfriend has sucked it up and become more of a support than I thought he could be (he's still annoying a lot of the time, but I forgive him).

This weekend I'm going to get together with a few other students and finish a Stats assignment, then we're going to go out for dinner.  I also have to put together a few presentations for different classes, just to get a jump on things, and I'm going to start collecting journal articles for my thesis.  I might even get my laundry done (which I so desperately need to do)

I'll make it through this first year.  After that I'll still be busy, but nowhere near this level.  I'll be working on internships and research and stuff...no classes.  Somehow, I'll get through all of this, and some day I'll be able to stick that PhD at the end of my name.

I handed in my first paper last night.  I know it was crap, but by 3pm yesterday I didn't want to look at it any more, so I printed it out and said I was done with it.  I'm aiming for 3 out of 10.  Seriously, I feel like that's all I can expect.

 I'm having mixed feelings about grad school right now.  Every day reminds me of how much I don't belong in grad school, but I'm having moments where I'm sure I can do it.  Those are nice moments.  When I got home from school after class last night (at 10:30pm, I might add), I looked at my schedule and really thought, hey, I can do this.  I'll be busy for the next 8 months, but I can get all of this done.  I can get it all done and still watch the three seasons of Sex and the City my boyfriend bought me as a present.  I just have to restrict myself to two episodes a night, but it's all possible.

 I think this positivity may be caused by lack of sleep insanity.  I literally could not function until I had coffee this morning.  This level of disfunctionality is something I've never experienced before.

I think I'll get used to things.  My laptop has been easing my stress, since I know I can always work no matter where I am.  My mom was worried that the laptop would increase my stress because it would tie me to work at all times.  She was wrong.  Knowing I can work at all times has allowed me to enjoy my free time more.  Now I know the time I sit around and wait to see if my supervisor needs me won't be wasted.

I'm giving myself constant pep talks.  They're only kind of working.

I don't think I'm going to make it.  I'm already so stressed I can hardly think and everyone keeps piling stuff on me.  I'm going to crack.

 My supervisor changed my funding so that now my hours worked are going to change.  This could mean I'll be working more than I can handle.  I've tried working full and part time jobs at the same time before and it never ended well.  This is going to be way more work and I'm already feeling the pressure.

I need a laptop, which I can't afford.  And I can't afford to pay tuition either, so I have to make that phone call to my parents, begging for money.  That would be enough to ruin my day, but there is so much more.

The lab supervisor grilled me yesterday about what I want to put together for a conference.  The conference is next summer, but the deadline for submissions is mid-October.  I have no time to put anything together.

The best stress reliever I've ever found is TIME.  A whole evening sitting around doing nothing but watching Sex and the City or reading some chick lit will relax me enough to keep going.  I need new techniques, something that can be done in 20 minutes that will keep me going for the next few days.

I'm really starting to think this is impossible and that I'll never get through it.  I just want to go home and curl up in bed for the weekend.  I don't have time for that, but it's what I want.

Yesterday was my first day of classes.  I am officially a Masters student.  As a masters student in clinical psychology, the next two years of my life are planned for me.  If I go on to get my PhD (it's the goal), my next six years are planned for me.  Is committing myself to school for the next six years of my life a poor choice?  I've been debating that question all summer.

I was a bundle of nerves walking in to my first class at the god awful hour of 8:30 am.  I'm a slow to warm up kind of person, so it takes me a long time to feel comfortable in new situations and around new people.  This tends to cause a lot of anxiety in my life.  I'm also living a very lonely life, with few friends my own age with similar interests.  This added pressure to my morning, as I scrutinized every person who walked through the door, wondering who my new friends would be and who would annoy me until the bitter end.  The prof didn't show up to that first class.  Great way to start the semester, getting up early for no reason. 

After lunch there was a grad seminar.  All the first year masters students are required to show up and listen to presentations from profs and people working in the community about psychology.  Also included was the first dreaded introduction session.  I grabbed a coffee after my first class was a bust, so by this time I was shaking with caffiene.  Add to that the general nerves of speaking in front of the whole class, and I was a basket case.  I can't remember what I said about myself, but I think it was sufficient.  My first presentation was scheduled for September 25.  Yay for me.

After that there was a clinical psychology meeting for all the first year masters students.  We were warned that internship applications are due early, so start thinking now.  We were also warned that thesis research can easily get behind, so get that started ASAP.  I decided who was going to annoy me most in my class.  I'd like to name him psycho friendly guy.  It's good to be friendly, but this guy was making himself family to everyone already.  For a slow to warm up person, his method of socializing is overwhelming and a bit off-putting.

I went home for a quick supper and then came back for my night class, where I was assigned four more presentations, a research proposal and a large group project.  Just fabulous.  I also think I made my first new friend.  Which sort of made the entire day worth while.

I'm glad I took the long weekend to relax and say good bye to my former life.  It will become completely unrecognizable in the next few weeks.  I'm also kissing sleep goodbye and embracing coffee.  Is it a poor life choice?  I'll let you know.